The Silent Sufferers of Infertility

My journey of infertility has been no secret, but it wasn’t public either. I suffered a lot of pain and guilt for three years of my life. I think the story of how I discovered I had unexplained fertility doesn’t matter, but what matters is the struggle. There were days when I questioned every single deed I ever did in my life. I thought about the time I lied to my mom about something that was irrelevant. I thought about the time I fought with my dad and don’t remember why. I thought about the time I went against my parents and married VJ which was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I over thought and then thought some more about incidents and scenarios that have happened and will never happen. I tormented myself for weeks at a time over something that was not in my control. I even convinced VJ that he needs to divorce me so that he can marry someone who could give him an offspring. The guilt that I couldn’t give him a baby was overbearing.

I had a miscarriage in June 2015. We weren’t supposed to get pregnant. We were talking to Reproductive Endocrinologists, Endocrinologists, Ob-Gyns and my Primary Care physician. But we conceived naturally and I was ecstatic before I realized, it was too good to be true. Why? Why was the question that I constantly asked. The torment started again. It grew worse after my D&C when my body failed to have a natural miscarriage. Those times were really difficult for me and as well as VJ. Our relationship was definitely strained. Many of my friends were very helpful and very understanding. But some of those comments, I’ll never forget. One said, ‘At least you know you can get pregnant now’ and one was, ‘at least it wasn’t in the third trimester’ and the worst was, ‘it wasn’t meant to be‘. I beat myself around a lot, questioning everything I did in those days.

Of course, the first thing your gynecologist does is put you on Clomid, without checking what the problem with your body is. And I was too, for the second time. But Clomid was pretty useless – I started putting on a lot of weight and didn’t ovulate, so they put me on Letrozole but nothing worked. Lucky for me, my gynecologist figured I needed more help and I was sent to an RE. The unexplained part went on and on and on. We spent thousands of dollars on tests and medicines and IUI’s. The needles that I kept prodding into my abdomen filling up my body with hormones, was too much at times. My anxiety was at an all-time high. My depression was borderline clinical. I spent most afternoons crying. I had one friend who constantly kept saying that it’s going to happen. I never believed her, because she had faith when no one did. Everyone else kept saying to me, ‘it will happen when it has to’, ‘maybe you aren’t at that stage in your life’, ‘maybe you are doing it wrong’, ‘you can always adopt‘ and then this friend comes in and hugs me and tells me, ‘you will be a mom, trust me‘, but I didn’t. And then it did happen, August 4th, 2016 at 7.15 AM, I got a positive at 3weeks 4days.

I was lucky. I had a surgery that saw a major design flaw in my body that was corrected. But not everyone gets that way. There are hundreds and thousands and maybe millions of women struggling with unexplained fertility and it’s the hardest thing a woman has to go through. It’s sad that most of them think that they have to go through it alone, but they shouldn’t. YOU ARE NOT ALONE in this journey. You never know who else is struggling alongside you. It’s okay to talk about your struggle. You have the right to cry when you hear someone get pregnant. You have the right to avoid newborn babies because you want that for yourself. I know that feeling. I know how you feel. If anyone was rude to you, say it back to their face. I should have stood up for myself when people were rude, but I definitely do stand up for those who cannot. You shouldn’t suffer alone. This is not something you should go through alone. I didn’t. I had this amazing group of friends (I’ve never met them) that I talk to regularly (on Facebook). I rant to them, talk to them and their words just held me together. They were there when I needed someone. They were so involved in my life, that my husband would ask me to ask them. Thanks Team BFP!

Of course, there must be many of you who struggle to come out and share your story and that’s okay. We will be to hear you when you are ready. But not for a second think that you are alone in this journey. Each struggle and every journey through infertility is unique. What worked for me might not work for you, but it could. I know a friend who talked about immunology and how it helped her, and another friend it was silent endometriosis. So keep talking to your friends about infertility will help you discover the road and maybe give you a few options to explore to help fight infertility. But do not self-diagnose yourself and feel bad about it. Talk to a doctor, get professional help, because I know a few friends who titled themselves infertile though they weren’t. They didn’t know the meaning of the word and threw it around.

No one talks about infertility. They talk about a headache, a tummy ache, but not the heartache. Infertility is a disease, it’s not something a woman chooses for herself. Sometimes there is not even an answer as to why they cannot get pregnant. And there are some who suffer loss after loss and cannot take a break to cry over their baby because they have a life to get to, a job to do and another kid to take care of. It’s really hard to get over one miscarriage and I cannot begin to imagine what those mommas feel after multiple. Those who have had losses – you are still a momma. Your angel baby knows that you miss them so much. Fighting infertility is hard enough, but not knowing what is causing the losses is even harder. To those mommas, I hope your prayers are answered.

There are many out there who have been struggling for years for a baby. There are many out there who have been struggling – I want to tell you something. YOU ARE GOING TO BE A MOM. YOU ARE GOING TO BE A WONDERFUL MOTHER. YOU ARE GOING TO BE THE BEST MOM THE BABY CAN EVER HAVE. I know its hard right now to think that this is even possible, but it is. The universe has great plans for you. Each of you will get that special stardust. You will carefully grow the baby in your uterus, from a teeny tiny cell to a six pounds baby and then into a beautiful human. Your bones and your brain matter will slowly melt little by little to give the baby some. For 9 months, the baby will be inside you, listening to you and playing with you. And then you will realize why it took so hard to get pregnant because your one in a billion was waiting. You will be a mother, I know you will.

Love,
Po and every other woman who beat infertility

Pic Credits – Kristin Frakes who I met through a fertility app. You can find her pictures here. If you are ever in Dallas or close, you should give her a call.