How to Deal with Grief

Recently, Pooh lost her grandmother and it sent me back to when I lost mine. I was very disappointed and upset, as I wasn’t able to attend her funeral. It broke my heart that I wouldn’t sleep beside her or I hear those mythology stories she told us. I still miss her and it’s been more than five years since she passed away. But Pooh’s loss reminded me of something more close to my heart – my miscarriage. I talk about it as often as I can to those who have dealt with loss. For me the saddest and most depressing part of my life was my miscarriage.

“Sometimes the hardest part isn’t letting go but rather learning to start over.” – Nicole Sobon.

I heard this quote while rewatching an episode of Criminal Minds. But I now remember how that one quote made me let go of my grief.

We were trying to get pregnant for a long time. We got married in the winter of 2012 and I moved to the United States at the start of 2013. My life was fine until my gynecologist told me to immediately get pregnant if I ever wanted to have kids. So of course after being told that way, my husband and I immediately started on a fine day in Sept of 2013. From then an upward battle started; a battle for that one lucky sperm to meet that one egg. My health was not at it’s best. I was overweight, diabetic and depressed. My endocrinologist helped me a lot with my diabetes; I lost weight and got pregnant 4 months later.

Who would think that a tiny little red line could bring so much joy? Joy seems like an understatement. It was more than that; it was everything we could hope for, the happiest day in our lives. My husband just hugged me and held me for the longest time. But sadly that didn’t last long. A few days later I woke up in the middle of the night, bleeding and rushed to the ER. June 22^nd, 2015 was the worst day of my life. I had to get a D&C to terminate my pregnancy, as I didn’t miscarry on my own. I had a missed miscarriage.

The pain was unbearable. I couldn’t control the tears or the emotion. I blamed everyone. I pushed everyone away. I pushed my husband away too. To have a part of your body torn away from you, I don’t know how I managed to survive that. I was doing my MBA then and my school offered free counseling to everyone. I went to sweet, sweet Linda to talk about how my group projects have become, usually to rant and to talk about how to deal with those who pushed their load on me, but not about this. I stopped going to her too because I knew it would hurt to talk about it. But she insisted I visit her once, and I’m so glad I did. I cried, I cried my heart and soul out that day and she let me.

What helped me with that grief? Well, nothing did, but I did try them all. I ate every chocolate cake, I ate every chocolate ice cream, I ate all my favorite food, I ignored everyone, I watched TV until my eyes closed by themselves, I reread Harry Potter (all seven books) numerous times and I also shopped, but nothing helped me. Probably because I wasn’t ready to move on yet. Linda told me that if I wasn’t ready to move on, I shouldn’t. She told me I could mourn my baby for a bit, but there was the real world waiting for me and I had to get back to it. It was a slow process, but I did it. Slowly one day at a time. The first week I tried to wake up on time and just try and cook something. After that, I tried to smile a bit. After that, I tried to not cry at the grocery store by the baby section. After that, I tried some social interaction. It took a total of almost seven or eight months for me to get back on my feet, but I did. I had some amazing people help me too. Shilpa and her kids, Arch, my sister, my parents and a group of friends on a TTC group we formed on Facebook. If you are reading this guys THANK YOU! Thank you for being there and for seeing to it that I didn’t go down the dark path.

So, to survive the grief you need to accept it. It’s a difficult path, but you will reach there. I know how much I cried. The pain that you are going through right now, that might break your heart, will subside at some point, but till then it’s okay to cry. It’s okay for you to be depressed for a while. There’s no real way to deal with grief. But there is always light after the dark. Remember, the sun is always there; it’s just the earth’s rotation that’s causing the darkness. And soon the sun will come up again. You will find happiness again too like I did with the five-month-old in my lap. Have hope and have the strength. Believe in yourself. Do not push everyone away. Friends can help you to overcome the darkness.

Let’s all be happy for the one’s we lost, hoping they are happy somewhere.

Dedicated to everyone who lost someone.

Love,
Po