Living with Crippling Anxiety

For a long time, I’ve been very open about my struggles with anxiety and depression. I have been diagnosed with clinical anxiety and borderline clinical depression. At that point it made sense. In 2015 I have had a miscarriage that left me in a bad place. It was hard to come back from it. Looking back, I know it was the hardest and darkest moment in my life. I had alienated everyone, pushed everyone away, and found comfort in the two things I know – binge-watching, and food. I already have a very unhealthy relationship with food. I eat my feelings. Being diabetic it’s not a good thing to eat your feelings. It was hard to go from there. I felt that entire phase in my life is just a dark tunnel that I felt had no end.

I didn’t conquer it on my own. I had help. I had help from my wonderful counselor who made me see the bright side of my life. There was no bright side to my miscarriage, she made sure I knew that. She told me repeatedly to remember that. I had friends who told me that everything happens for a reason. And I couldn’t see the reason. I had panic attacks everywhere. I embarrassed my husband wherever I went because I couldn’t take it in. I was crying everywhere I went. It was hard for VJ as well as he thought he was helpless and didn’t know how to help me. It was harder for him not to know what to do.

Living with anxiety is hard to describe. Imagine the movie 2012. The world is literally ending and they are all trying to survive. They need to escape, they need a good plan, but there seems like there’s no escape from the end of the world. To me, that’s how it is every waking moment. Every waking moment, every small situation feels like the end of the world. Plan 2 events on the same day – until they are done and lived through, keep wondering every possible scenario, and then think about the next thing to ruin that night’s sleepover. When I have an exam I think about all the wrong answers and only remember that, and forget the perfectly good right answers that I actually know.

Living with anxiety is like living with an alter ego, who you have to convince that everything will be okay. On one hand, you are enjoying all the little beautiful things, while your other half of the mind is warning you about everything that could go wrong. Enjoying a brief walk in the park – you could get stung by murder hornets, or bees, or wasps, you could step in a puddle which makes your feet wet, you could step on dog crap that some idiot didn’t pick up, a bird can shit on you, OR all the other existential life crises that you are dealing with in your current life. If VJ doesn’t put the clothes into the wash – why is VJ like this, I’ve told him a few times, I’ve asked him a million times, he knows it’s darks day, he knows its towels day if he knows its bathroom mats day, why did he put in the bedsheets – are just some of the few thoughts that run in my head.

Living with anxiety is like living with a person who has thought up all the scenarios and knows a possible outcome and can help you with it. If you know anyone who suffers from anxiety please don’t make fun of them. It’s hard enough to face and talk to real people in the real world, it makes it harder for us to trust anyone, and to make friends. I’ve had family and friends make fun of me for it, and it doesn’t bother me anymore, because they don’t understand what my mind is going through. I don’t try to explain it to them, because that makes me anxious as well. It’s not that I don’t have a mental disorder (at least not yet), my neurons fire differently than others. Postpartum anxiety and prepartum anxiety are very real, and I feel that postpartum anxiety never leaves you. You are constantly living with it in worry that something might happen.

Living with anxiety is crippling.

Living with anxiety is hard.

Living with someone with anxiety is not easy.

If you are suicidal please don’t hesitate to call the Suicide Helpline – 800-273-8255 in the US. You can also chat if you think you are unable to talk. Please get help before your thoughts destroy your peace of mind.

Love,
Mahi