Depression is Real

Since I heard the news of a very young actor succumbing to the very threatening depression, I wanted to say something but didn’t know what. So I took a few walks on the beautiful trail by my home listening to music, owls hooting, watching bunnies hopping on grass, and leaves gently kissing the ground as they made descent from a few feet up the greenest trees. There’s so much life around me, the bustling of feet around, my heart beat echoing when the song I’m listening stops, the leaves brushing against each other in the mute breeze and such gentle fireflies glittering around in between the trees. But far away from where I am, a man barely a few months older than me decided that he had seen enough of this world. 

This is a very personal note from me. It took me a few long walks, several sleepless nights and a lot of courage to write this down. Yes, I’m deeply affected by this actors death. An actor whose movies I have never seen, whose social media accounts I didn’t follow or even knew what movies he was in. But when I saw that news it shook me. Yes, death is normal. Death occurs everyday, but death by suicide hits you harder, I guess. It’s been hard to accept that a guy so full of energy couldn’t bear what was happening to him. He couldn’t bear the way he was being treated by his peers. 

Depression is not something that one has control over. I have been depressed. I have been suicidal. The reason I haven’t taken my life is that the people around me promised me that life is better, and will get better. Of course at that moment I couldn’t believe in those words. It was impossible for life to get better. And then life got better, better than that suicidal moment, but a few days later, it got so bad that it made me think, this is a whole new low for me. I’ve been there. I promise you it gets better. It doesn’t get better because of people around you. Yes, people around you do give you a feeling of security and warmth, but not completely. It gets better because of YOU. It’s because YOU have started believing in yourself. There are others who believe in you, but you HAVE to start believing in yourself. It sounds easy for me to say it, right? No, admitting to the world that I suffered from depression and suicidal thoughts has been giving me severe anxiety. I don’t think I can sleep well tonight. I’m scared of people judging me for who I am. 

Let me describe you how depression really feels. It is a dark abyss from which you cannot are the light. It is a place where you are surrounded by people and you are smiling, laughing with them. The laugh is hollow, the smile never reaches the eyes, your heart is being twisted in multiple directions and you can’t get anything done. Even getting out of the couch to eat seems like a waste of time. What is eating when you don’t want to live? I can’t put into words how hard it is to do something you love. Overeating or not eating is usually common too. I smiled so much in 2015, but not once did I mean it. If I laughed I came home and cried twice as much. No one understood me, everyone said they did, but they couldn’t, at least that’s what my brain told me. It’s hard to even comprehend someone’s words sometimes. The darkness consumes you whole. 

To Susanth Singh Rajput – I’m sorry you thought that the world isn’t doing you justice. Maybe it isn’t. I’m so sorry that everyone was demonic towards you. I’ve seen some of the videos, you did not deserve to be treated the way you’ve been. The protests for you that are happening right now, I wish had happened years ago. It must not have been easy to fight the fight alone, I hope wherever you are, you are at peace. I know it must have been so hard. But I think you forgot one thing man, you were loved by millions of people. People loved your movies, you, and everything you did. Teenagers are so upset at your death. I know you were in pain, I hope no one ever feels the pain that you felt. The pain you felt could never be understood by anyone else. All those who say they should have been for you are hypocrites. They would have never been there for you, because they were only thinking for themselves. 

To anyone who’s reading this if you ever need any help, we are there for you. We are not professional counselors or therapists. We ARE NOT certified. But we are here. We are here for you to vent. We are here to understand your pain. We are here as your anonymous virtual friends. My close friend K is someone I met online. You are NOT alone. No one ever should think they are alone. You might not have friends, but you have strangers who care for you. If you ever think your life isn’t enough, you are wrong. The world needs you. The hot springs in Arkansas are heating up to warm you up, the snow capped mountains in the Alps are eager to show you frostbite, the blue seas of Greece are challenging you that there is no other blue, the rides at Disney are daring you to be tried, the hiking paths across the world need to be explored, and the luminous beaches are waiting for you to sigh in satisfaction. The world is full of wonders, you are one of them. You are a beautiful creature the universe carved out to stick out. To think that you aren’t important is an insult to the universe itself.

You Matter. 

Your Life Matters. 

Your Pain isn’t irrelevant. 

Your pain matters.

If you want to talk to us email us at jabberfoodwocky@gmail.com 

If you don’t want to talk to us: 

National Suicide Prevention Line (US) – 1-800-273-8255

You can chat with them too. Find the link here – https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

If you are in India – http://aasra.info/

You can volunteer in any of these organizations. If anyone has any more helpful sites and numbers please add them in the comments below. We will update them on our website. 

♥️ Mahi